You, Me, Everything
by arcticponkey
Summary: Naomily. Possible spoilers for Skins Fire, 7x01 & 7x02 of the new season. Starts when Emily enters Naomi's hospital room and takes the story into another, more positive direction. Because Emily is a fighter and won't rest until she has reminded her girlfriend that she's a fighter as well.
1. You stupid cow!

**Author's note:**

**After watching Skins Fire on tuesday I constantly feel like I need to do something about Naomily. It's like Skins betrayed their most loved OTP and I can't really deal with it :D So I started to write my own "ending". I don't really know where this is taking me quite yet, but I hope that doesn't really matter to you at all. Let's just find out together, shall we?**

**Let me inform you: I'm not British, nor is English my mother tongue. It still came natural to me to write this in English. If you find mistakes (the story had no beta-read as welll), feel free to point them out. I'd love to learn from this :)**

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I teared up when I realized just who was disturbing me in the middle of dying and feeling sorry for myself. For a split second I thought I was dreaming but as the weight of the intruder rocked my hospital bed lightly I knew it was true.

"Em.", I whimpered – with no voice at all – but she saw my attempt. And despite the sparkling stars in her own eyes she smiled. She smiled her most beautiful smile. And it was the one thing that finally relieved some of the pain.

"You stupid _cow_.", my girlfriend whispered softly and stroke over my cheeks. I closed my eyes for a moment and just surrendered to her soothing touch. Yeah, she was right. Maybe I should've told her. It sure would've spared me a lot of pain.

I caught one of her hands and gave it a very small but lovingly kiss. My lips were dry and I felt like scratching her hand open. If so, Emily sure didn't mind. She was clinging to my hand as if dear life depended on it. Literally.

I opened my eyes again to look at the love of my life and saw all those moment again. When we first kissed, when we met again in Roundview, our first time … It was all coming back to me now. So naturally that it scared me a little; they say your life flashes before you just before you die. Maybe fate was kind enough to let me see her again for one last time?

I couldn't read Ems face like I used to. Somehow she seemed numb, her eyes tired, the vivid color of her face replaced by a grayish tone. It made me worry about her.

It took her a moment but eventually she opened her mouth again. "You're such … _such_ a _fucking_-" – it came out loudly and with such venom that I duck a little – "irresponsible, stubborn, idiotic-" – now I noticed her voice reached unusual highs with every new word, but she also got quieter with every second – "stupid, goddamn _twat_!" – and that last word came out as nothing but a high-pitched and faint cry.

Emily broke down completely.

Cold sweat formed on my whole body within seconds. I immediately felt sick again and I helplessly clasped to her shoulders. "Oh no, don't cry.", I heard myself say panically. After what happened in our last year at Roundview, I had never seen her like this again. And I swore – to her, but also to myself – that I would never make her feel this way again.

That time I screwed up with Sofia was ages ago, but Em's breakdown was violently bringing back those bad memories, summoning a fierce demon into my consciousness. A demon that had the same face as me and that would forever remind me that I had broken Emily's heart because I loved her.

Because even though I could clearly feel it then, I had never believed that you could love someone _that_ much. I had always been an independent human being, never needing anyone, never wanting to take more responsibility than required.

But she changed all this – with no effort at all.

I denied my obvious codependency because I was a scaredy-cat and had nearly shattered my love to pieces with it.

_With not telling her about my fatal illness, I just did it again._, I suddenly realized in the depths of my thoughts. I felt a sting in my heart; it was breaking.

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**Author's note:**

**That's the first strike – let me know what you think :)**


	2. I'm your girlfriend, remember?

**Author's note:**

**Thanks for the great response, guys! I hope to meet your expectations with the following chapter(s) as well. Just let me know what you think by reading & reviewing.**

**Again, no beta-read.**

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I hugged Emily and brought her to my lap, where I gently and silently stroked her back while I still held her close. I could tell that she had lost it completely. She tried to stop crying every now and then, but the tears would just pour out of her. And there was nothing she could do about it. I knew, because I had been feeling the same way when I first heard the news and told Effy about it.

As if on cue, my best friend shifted a little which caught my attention. I smiled at her genuinely, nodded and in the end mouthed a "thank you". Bringing my girlfriend over was the best idea she ever had, even though said girlfriend was rather miserable at the moment. At least I could explain myself to her before I had to leave my Emily alone. Alone in this cruel world.

I had to believe that my explanation would help her to stay sane after we got separated forever. I had to because it was the only thing keeping _me_ sane.

I said goodbye to Effy in my thoughts as she took one last look at me through the window and then turned around to leave. We always understood each other that way. It's what made us such good friends in the first place. And to be honest, I was glad to spent my last moments in this world with Emily rather than Effy.

The poor girl was still crying. My lap felt soaked now. "Ems.", I said and tried to lift her but she wouldn't let me. She just continued sobbing and hid her face. "Honey, … don't be sad."

She let out a groan, which ringed in my ear. Damn, that girl was sexy as fuck, even when she was crying her eyes out. "Don't be sad!", she exclaimed, quoting me in a bitter but still whiny tone, "You really _are_ a fucking cow!"

I nodded just lightly, agreeing with her accusation. I deserved all that madness. However, I still felt guilty. As if the punishment she was giving me wasn't enough yet. As if she should end this – cut the invisible cord between us – so that she could have the normal life of a 21 year old girl.

Then again, Emily wasn't normal …

"Naomi, I'm sorry."

… She was perfect.

Emily sat up now and hugged me with all her might. Yet I could still feel how powerless she really was. Effy must have told her the true story over the phone. That meant that Emily had enough time during the flight to over-think things – she always did – and hurt herself in the process.

The realization sent another wave of fear through my body because normally Emily was strong, a fighter. Now she was weary and an easy target for the cruel and imminent fate that stood before us. It made it harder for me to make sure she would be okay. Which was like my dying wish.

At least her body was warm. As soon as I noticed the last bits of physical pain that I had been feeling were fading out. And suddenly I felt more alive than ever; she placed a small kiss onto the top of my shoulder.

"I'm sorry I yelled. And for breaking down like that. I just- it was all so sudden. I just don't understand why you- why you would- …", she swallowed loudly and therewith killed off the rest of the sentence intuitively. Now it was my turn.

"I wanted to protect you, Ems. I promised I would never hurt you again. And now that you know … look at yourself." – I kissed the small spot behind her ear, which I knew would calm her down a bit – "I'm so fucking sorry to put you through this.

"Don't. It's okay. It's my job. I'm your girlfriend, remember? You should've told me right away. You stubborn bitch.", I could feel a small smile against my shoulder now. It made me smile as well.

The former redhead snuggled even closer as I gently laid back with her, cherishing the beautiful moment. Em's tears were subsiding, she just snuffled from time to time in order to clear her nose.

A comfortable silence hit us full force. It was weird because – let's face it – I was going to die soon! One would think that we had to tell each other a couple of things before that happened. But no, we just lay there holding each other.

And maybe … maybe that was the only thing that really mattered now.

"We're gonna get through this.", she said out of nowhere.

My heart and mind fell into a black hole as the beautiful moment was ripped from me in an instant and without any warning. I felt sick and loosened my hold on Emily without even noticing right away.

I said nothing – wasn't able to. Did I even breathe? Five seconds passed.

"Together.", she added.

Again, I said nothing – I still couldn't. Because no, I wasn't breathing at the moment. Another five seconds passed.

Emily lifted herself up abruptly within a split second causing the air to freeze for she took the last remains of previous moment's warmth with her. I felt like being part of a TV show all of a escalated so quickly that I didn't really feel like I was controlling this and myself anymore. I was more like a watching nobody sitting in the audience instead of the show's protagonist.

I feared for what was about to happen to me – us! – but still couldn't work against it. Although it would be such an easy thing to do! I just needed to say something. For fuck's sake– _anything_ would be something to start with. But it just wouldn't happen.

As she finally turned around and I got a hold of her beautiful chocolate eyes, I felt like being chocked. And again, my heart broke.

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**Author's note:**

**Prepare for some Naomily disagreement next! Can you guess what it is about yet? **

**Oh, btw, what do you think of Dominic? I'll probably add him in future chapters :)**


	3. Please don't give up, Naoms

To say I was shell-shocked would've been the biggest lie of my life. I was so much worse. As soon as our eyes had met I felt as if someone had pulled the rug from under me. My head started pounding the exact second, my vision blackened and the deafening silence around us developed into some kind of unnaturally loud tinnitus; I've had a concussion once before after an accident with my scooter.

"What?", my voice asked, although I couldn't remember wanting to say that. I had clearly lost control of my body – and Naomi seemed to notice too. Ever so carefully, as if she feared to hurt me, she reached for my hand. It didn't really change anything though because the damage was already done.

"Em."

Her voice was almost inaudible but I still heard her amongst the ringing in my ear. This time I fully on her eyes. Which I would regret rather instantly; I saw nothing but sorrow, pity and regret. In summary: The last things I wanted to see in her ocean blue eyes.

However, it still seemed to change something for the better. The tinnitus subsided a few moments later, my vision cleared and most of all I got back to being somewhat in control of myself. It made me sigh with relief.

Still. Did I have a fucking pair of wings attached to my back now or why was I suddenly feeling like being able to surmount it all? I couldn't help but feel a bit pathetic and hateful towards myself because of the way I let my own emotions and obvious mood swings shove me around.

It wasn't helping me and it certainly wasn't helping Naomi. I should be the one as solid as a rock. Yet I was lost in some kind of emotional "chaos hurricane" myself. One minute crying my bloody eyes out, the next feeling winged. It just didn't make sense.

_I_ didn't make sense! Because I was sitting on her hospital bed talking about her grave illness …Then it suddenly occurred to me that this was the exact reason for my reaction.

I wasn't ready to lose her. And I wouldn't.

I squeezed her hand a little and smiled softly. "I already had a quick chat with your doctor before and he said that he wanted to talk to you in the morning. We'll find out what's happening next. Together, yeah?"

It was true, I had seen her doctor before and after telling him who I was he smiled sadly and told me that he had some news for Naomi. The chemotherapy didn't show much effect at the moment, but "now that Ms. Campbell's wonderful girlfriend was here to help her she might stand a fighting chance", he had said before rushing off again.

After Naomi's reaction just now I had finally understood what he really wanted to tell me. After my own reaction I was sure that I had never panicked like this before in all my life. We disagreed on a lot of things but my girlfriend disagreeing with me in this one significant matter, that I really _needed_ her to agree with me on … I think I never felt any more miserable and out of control before.

Thankfully I was always up for the challenge in terms of Naomi – because that's what this was. Another stupid challenge from destiny. It's also a good thing that I can be just as stubborn as the love of my life was most of the time.

Naomi's worried and somewhat apathetic face deformed into a grimace after my remark about her doctor. I prepared myself for the usual Naomi Campbell cynicism, which was the only thing I sometimes hated about her.

"I am going to die, Emily."

I flinched a little but this time I managed to hide it from her. I just looked her deeply in the eye as I was now able to see beyond the situation right in front of me and fixate on my ultimate goal instead. My girlfriend seemed as if she had expected another breakdown rather than such a cool reaction. Her eyebrow raised itself skeptically.

I really hated her cynic episodes. They could be hard to bear. However, over the years I had also managed to find my ways around it. I knew how to not let them influence me much or distract me from my goals.

"Would you like something to eat from the vending machine? I know it's late but I'm not tired at all. Just staving.", I said more calm than I really was.

My girlfriend's eyebrow dropped a little but both her eyes got big. It made me smile for a second because she was looking rather funny now. However, I knew that she must have thought that I had gone mental. At least that's what her worried eyes told me. Little did she know that it all came clear to me now. I had found my way back into the driver's seat and finally knew what I was doing.

She never responded but as I asked for a second time after climbing out of her bed she snatched my hand again. Slowly her thumb brushed over my skin. I responded by placing a small kiss on her hand. God, I had missed her so much over the past months.

"Em, please. Don't do this …", she said weakly and I let go of her hand immediately. I had to or otherwise she would break me again. Make me useless to her. "I don't know where the vending machine is yet, but I swear I'll be quick.", I said hurriedly, forced a quick smile and made a run at the door. I looked back over my shoulder before exiting just to see Naomi still staring at me – now with pity glistering in her beautiful but exhausted blue eyes again. "Get some rest in the meantime, ok? You look tired."

The door clicked and as soon as it did, I closed my eyes and sank down to the floor. I did o.k. with acting, but I didn't do well with coping yet. I needed to learn – and fast – for it might be our last chance. I couldn't afford to screw it up. But to be honest: With her, there had never been room for failure for me.

"Please don't give up, Naoms.", I mumbled and prayed for _any_ help. Destiny had messed around with us before but this time was much harder. Now it really was all or nothing.

We were playing this fucking game on "nightmare difficulty" again. And my goal as the newly entered, second player was to find my partner who had foolishly tried to defeat the end boss all by herself and got lost in the darkness along the way. I just needed to find her again before I got lost myself.

Too bad you can't click "try again" in real life.

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**Author's note:**

**Another chapter! Phew, I had a hard time with this one, there were like 2 entirely different versions before the one you get to read now :D I didn't feel satisfied with the way I had described Em's confusion for some time. Furthermore I decided to postpone "the clear words" ... for now.**

**Please let me know what you think about the final result!**

**PS: I couldn't get the gaming metaphor out of my head – how do you like it?**


	4. It's nice of you to visit

**Author's note:**

**Cuthbert72, thank you very much for your reviews! I think you'll like the direction I'm heading with this because I feel quite the same way about our lovely Naomily.**

**Also, here's something that my guest reviewer Kara might like … ;)**

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"Oh come on, how bad can _one_ day possibly be?! Fuck."

I slapped my flat hands at the vending machine that didn't stick to the deal and kept both the requested food as well as the money I had offered in return to itself. "Come on!", I yelled again while groaning throatily and repeated the action another two times. If I had been starving before, then I was famished now.

"Someone's hungry.", agreed an unexpected voice right behind me. I turned around to see a rather short and young guy with curly dark hair and a sheepish smile on his face. He had a coffee in one hand and money in the other. It was rather obvious what he wanted here.

I turned back to the vending machine and focussed on the biscuits, that were out of reach but rightfully mine. "Yeah and that stupid thing is not helping. I just want some Garibaldi for God's sake. Is it too much to ask?!", I groaned and hit the machine more forcefully one last time. Now my hand hurt but the biscuits were still stuck – fucking great! Ironically they reminded me of my girlfriend for more than just the reason that they were her favorite.

"Well let me just-", the stranger smiled a little brighter as he excused himself for shoving me away a bit so that he could stand in front of the machine. He fed the vendor his money and then clicked on the Garibaldi button again before I could react and tell him that he didn't have to eat Garibaldi just because he wanted to help me.

The spiraled claw that had kept it hostage moved itself for quite a while and finally dropped the desired biscuits. "Oh, look.", the man said as he reached for the food and pulled out a few packages. "Now that's an apology.", he said, "You get one extra!"

I starred at the two Garibaldi packages he was handing to me and then broke into a smile. "You're a life safer – thank you!", I said and took the food. I was too hungry to decline the offer. "You're welcome.", he replied and then walked off just slowly. Now and then still glancing at me from the corner of his eye.

But I didn't really care. I tore one of the packages open and bit into the biscuit greedily. After the first bits I couldn't hold it back as I moaned with pleasure. Finally some real food – not the dry peanuts they offer you during a transatlantic flight.

I heard a small laughter and broke into a smile as well. "Sorry!", I said and caught up to the helpful young man, that hadn't made an attempt to leave me alone yet. "You going that way? That's my direction, too. Mind if I …"

"No.", he interrupted and I noticed that he eyed the Garibaldi I was still holding in my hand, "Sorry that you have to eat Garibaldi now just because you wanted to help me.", I said.

"Are you kidding? I love these.", he replied calmly and took a sip from his dark coffee.

We walked slowly in silence for a while, probably because I was busy eating and he didn't want to interrupt me. At one point I got so greedy that I would try to eat two pieces of biscuit simultaneously. It worked, but I must've looked like a fucking squirrel.

As I finished the first pack and stuffed the second one in the pocket of my trousers he gave me a surprised look. "What's wrong, I thought you were hungry?"

"Yeah, I am, but I want to share the other pack.", I explained, "Furthermore I already had more than I hoped for due to the extra pack. Thanks again."

He just smiled. I eyed him for a moment and realized that he was the only positive thing that had happened to me today. Of course it was nice to see my girlfriend again! However, the circumstances were not the best. They were stressful and exhausting and the seven hours flight as well as nearly a whole day without sleep were just adding up to this fact.

"What's your name? I'm Emily.", I finally asked and held out my hand. He shock it quickly. "I'm Dominic Winters. Pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise.", I replied. He was sympathetic and kind of reminded me of both Thomas and JJ. With whom I was still friends with.

"So. What are you doing here Dominic? I mean it's like in the middle of the night?"

His face saddened and so did mine. What a fucking stupid question to ask. _Great job on making friends, Em. Insensitive much?_, I scolded myself and instinctively rolled my eyes, which he fortunately didn't notice. I knew it was out of my own defensive armor that I would need against Naomi's abandoned hope and cynicism. I just couldn't drop it and then put it back on again from one second to another. Doing that on a frequent basis would take too much strength away from me. Nevertheless, hurting the nice young man that had helped me with the vendor wasn't fair. And even though I never intended to do so, I felt guilty.

"Friend of mine.", he said. "She's been ill for a while now and it doesn't look good anymore. I couldn't sleep anyways, so I thought I might as well pay her a visit. It seems like I'm the only one these days."

I nodded a little. My thoughts wandered off to Naomi of necessity. We were just a few steps away from the door to her room now. "Sorry to hear that. It's nice of you to visit.", I said to him, "Especially when you're the only one."

"And you …", he started but stopped speaking as he came to a halt with me right in front of Naomi's door. Strangely enough, his eyes grew wide as I rested my hand on the door handle and already pushed it open a bit. But I ignored it. "This is were I'm going.", I explained, "I want you to see who you helped out with the Garibaldi-", I started and actually wanted to continue introducing Dominic and Naomi to one another.

But both of them silenced me.

"Dom!", Naomi yelled – now wide awake again. He just gave her a small smile.

"Hello Naomi …"

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**Author's note:**

**So, at what point did you know that it was Dominic? Or did I even lead someone around by the nose a fully 100%?**

**I know there's not much Naomily in this one but I promise I'll make up for it rather soonish. Stay tuned, yeah? :)**


	5. I'll never leave you

**Author's note:**

**Thank you so much for your feedback, guys!**

**Glad you like Dom because he is going to stick around a bit. Also, some of you worried about Naomi. Well, let me just say: Since I started writing this because of the upsetting, last official Naomily scene, I guess it's safe to say that I won't end things in that cruel way Fire did. **

**However, it's still Skins, right? Let's wait and see where this is going :)**

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Naomi looked dead tired and in pain. She even hissed a little as she sat up which made me regret my quick reaction; I had just assumed that she was still awake. Nevertheless the smile on her face was prove enough that she welcomed Dominic with pleasure despite all circumstances.

She waved rapidly at him to enter the room. He obliged and sat down on the only chair in the room right besides the bed.

"What have you been up to, you twat? I thought I would never see you again."

"Sorry, things have been a bit stressful and weird. Effy is not here, too, is she?"

"We said goodbye earlier … do you know something?"

"I guess so. But it's too late to talk about that now."

I felt a little lost and uncalled for. Add that to the surprise that out of all people in a big city's hospital I meet the one guy that wanted to visit _my_ girlfriend and you know why I was still standing in the doorframe of the hospital room looking at the scene like a lost puppy.

They seemed close, I could tell that Naomi felt comfortable in his presence. However, I also noticed that she put on a brave mask for him – maybe even for me as well. I knew exactly that she wasn't feeling as good as she was leading on right now. I also knew her too damn well to get fooled by that artificial smile she was wearing now.

Suddenly my stomach grumbled unhappily and brought all the attention to me. That made me blush, especially when I locked eyes with Dominic shortly. "So. You're _the_ Emily.", he said, "I didn't … quite …" Dom scratched his head in embarrassment as he swallowed the rest of the sentence with a huge gulp of coffee.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw that Naomi was looking at me with a warm and now genuine smile. She shortly brushed over her red eyes before she waved at me just like she had done with her friend before. "Come on Ems, don't be shy.", she said sweetly. When I was seated at the edge of her bed she grabbed one of my hands and pointed at Dom first. "Dom, Em – Em, Dom.", she explained needlessly, "But I guess you already met."

"Yeah, Dominic here is the reason that I can give you this." – I handed the second pack of Garibaldi to her. She teared up immediately and mumbled an "Oh my god!" whilst I continued the story – "The fucking vending machine wouldn't work. Then Dominic came along. It's a good thing he wanted some Garibaldi as well because in the end we got lucky and ended up with three packages instead of just two."

Naomi who had been busy with ravishing the pack of food looked up immediately. "Whaff?!", she exclaimed with a Garibaldi sticking out of her mouth, "Bfuff fou hae Farwiwalwi!"

I felt warm all over and I could see the brightest smile on Dominic's face as well. That's my Naomi. The one I fell in love with all those years ago. The one I would die for in a second. And the one that I needed to save from herself now.

I snatched the half eaten Garibaldi from her mouth, "And now without the food, hon'.", I whispered sweetly and then ate the rest of the biscuit while leaning back and resting comfortably against her shoulder and the end of the bed. She seemed to have similar thoughts because she placed the arm that was free of tubes around my shoulders and gave me a warm little smile. Then she rested her head against my shoulder. As usual we fit together like two pieces of the same puzzle.

"I said he hates Garibaldis.", Naomi repeated before she pulled a rather stern face, "You sneaky charmer twat. Leave her alone, you hear me? She's mine – and gay! And that means no flirting for you, Dom."

It would've sounded a lot more serious, if she hadn't been yawning half the sentences. Dom just smiled to himself and I placed a loving kiss on her forehead. That made her close her eyes and sink back into her pillow and my shoulder more. "You stay here, right?", she whispered silently. I responded by squeezing her hand tightly.

Dom and I kept talking for a little bit but soon he started to feel uncomfortable with disturbing us. He never said that but his body language – the nervous foot and the embarrassed glazes – said it all. Naomi also started to get more and more restless. She trashed around a bit, obviously in desperate need of sleep that wouldn't come. I tried my best to hide what her obvious discomfort made me feel like. But I guess my body language was just as telling as Dom's was: The young man cleared his throat before he stood up.

I looked at him expectantly even though I knew what he was going to say. "I better get going and leave the two of you alone. It's almost 3AM in the morning. I'm sure they wouldn't be happy to see me here anyways."

I didn't know what to say so I just nodded my head in agreement. I tried to get up, but my girlfriend held on to me fiercely. Some kind of reflex obviously because her eyes were still closed. "Babes, I'll be right back, ok?", I whispered and untangled myself – or at least tried to – "Come on, I won't be long."

"No, Emily." – I looked up to find Dominic standing right besides me – "It's okay, stay with her. Here." – he handed me his Garibaldi – "You still look kind of hungry and you already know I don't like them, so …"

I cracked a smile and couldn't help but laugh about this. It relieved a bit of the tension in my chest. "Thanks Dom.", I said and he seemed to understand what I meant even without my following addition: "For everything."

"Don't mention it. I'll see you guys soon, ok? It was really nice meeting you, Emily." He waved at me as he was going out of the room but stopped before turning the corner. "And Emily? Take care of her, yeah?"

I nodded my head so quickly that I got a little dizzy from it. Dominic threw one last smile at me then he was gone. I turned to look at my beautiful girlfriend. She seemed to have found some rest now because she was breathing calmly against my chest.

I on the other hand wasn't really sleepy at the moment. I had been in the plane but now as I was finally near Naomi and there was no argument or unexpected visitor to interrupt us, I was wide awake again. As if my subconsciousness didn't want me to loose any more precious moments with my beloved.

I still couldn't wrap my head around it all. One day to turn my life around, literally. Just 24 hours compared to almost half a year of oblivion. Of not knowing and believing that everything was fine when it wasn't. I couldn't help but hear Naomi's teenage voice in my head. _We just have to act like everything's fine._

My dark thoughts were interrupted forcefully when Naomi suddenly let out a big and throaty sigh which startled me. She hugged me around the waist as she always did when it was just me and her. "Nai?", I asked out of habit but no answer came. Naomi just wrinkled her nose a bit.

A few seconds passed as I watched her closely. Suddenly I noticed that a few tears escaped her closed eyes and watered her cheeks. It squashed my heart painfully. I closed my own eyes and pulled her closer, automatically wiping away her tears with my thumb. "You don't have to cry.", I mumbled. She just wrinkled her nose more. "Don't go.", she whispered back in such a low voice that I almost couldn't recognize the words.

I felt tears filling my eyes now but swallowed them just as fast as they had taken control of me. _I'm your rock._, I thought. I turned my head so that my mouth was just next to her ear. "I'll never leave you." And with this I placed a kiss on her chapped lips. For a few moments I felt as though she was kissing me back.

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**Author's note:**

**Hope you enjoyed this one? Next chapter is a little struggle but I'm already working on it full force.**


	6. Sorry about that lonesome time

**Author's note:**

**I need to thank you for all the responses again. I'm happy that so many of you are interested in the story! Oh and Cuthbert72, don't lose your hope for Naomi, yeah? Emily is working on it! ;)**

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I awoke with a start. My own voice rang through my head and gave me an immediate migraine so that I couldn't even open my eyes as I felt the sharp pain behind them. I groaned a little and used my hand to shield my visual organ from the piercing daylight. I also turned my head a little.

Why did I feel so warm? Normally I would wake up freezing from the lack of sleep. I shifted a tiny bit and felt something besides me that I couldn't quite define yet. I dozed for a moment but when I got a hold on myself and tried to remember why I had been waking up so quickly in the first place, my eyes flew open.

_Emily!_

It immediately felt like experiencing a déjà-vu. Was this the real Emily Fitch lying in my arms and sleeping peacefully or was I imagining things? I ran my numb fingers up and down the shirt-covered side of my girlfriend's body and inhaled her natural perfume deeply. She reacted instinctively by turning her head so that it was lying right next to mine. It was her sleepy breath on my terribly dry lips that finally made me realize that she was indeed real.

I tried to lean over and still my need to kiss her but had to stop as a sharp pain suddenly shot through my stomach and really brought me back to reality; Yeah, Emily was here with me. But I was still laying in a hospital bed dying from cancer.

Nothing could change that.

My mind flew back to last night as I slowly stroke through her unbelievably soft hair. After Emily had left last night, I was instantly consumed by guilt. I was well aware of the fact that the circumstances were bad, but I had never dared to imagine that she would react the way she did. Like everything was fine. Like a complete and utterly insane person. Like she had lost the connection to reality.

It had made my worst fear come true and threw me off a cliff emotionally. Because all I had been trying to do was safe her from exactly this. And what a fucking great job I had done so far!

Emily groaned all of a sudden. I looked down a little to find her turning away from the broad daylight that had now settled directly onto her face instead of mine. How beautiful she was, even in such an exhausted state.

I shifted in an attempt to sit up when another wave of pain trembled my guts. The painkillers from last night had obviously worn of by now, I noticed. It reminded me of how corruptible everything was.

_Everything's so fragile. Didn't you realize that?_

I leaned over to my bedside table where I knew some painkillers would be waiting for me. I smiled a little; I needed to thank Angie, my nurse, for not taking Emily away from me. Normally they wouldn't allow visitors this late – and certainly no overnight guests. She must've covered for us.

I downed the pills skillfully, then my attention was all Emily's again. Who – to my utter surprise – was awake by now. Or at least had somewhat opened her eyes. "Hey.", I said lightly, failing to hide my surprise. My girlfriend returned the look but closed her bloodshot eyes just a second later. Her face distorted and for a moment there I thought she would start to cry.

"Em, you alright?", I asked alarmed and cradled her face in both my hands. It was like wax in my hands.

"I feel like shit …", she whined and grumbled silently all at the same time and squinted her eyes more shut than they already were. I frowned. "You feel a bit hot.", I said and placed a small kiss on her forehead. Probably a great deal of lost sleep.

Because of me.

"Sorry.", I said simply and pulled her closer. I bit my tongue to kill off my own pain originating from the action. Time passed and I knew that my girlfriend slowly came to her full senses; I could feel how her heart's speed increased and she tensed up.

"Oh god, Naoms.", she said under her breath as she leant over me now, "Sorry, I shouldn't …"

Our eyes locked and all I could think about was how short but still perfect my life was because of her. I had never met anyone with a bigger heart before. I didn't even deserve that little angel, who had always believed in me – even when I myself failed to do so. Or when I had pushed her away those numerous times.

The rest of her sentence never reached my brain but I didn't really care because I wouldn't reply to this nonsense anyway. Emily wasn't to blame for being physically exhausted after all that she had been through yesterday. So instead I spoke my thoughts: "I'm glad you're here, Emily."

Her eyes softened and a small smile crept onto her face. We clasped hands and she began to stroke small patterns on my upper arm while she leant back into me. However, the sadness in her eyes didn't go unnoticed. "Hm?", I asked simply, already knowing that she would answer.

"Dom said that you don't get much visitors these days …"

I nodded in silence. "Well Mom's in Australia as you know. Effy was busy with her job. And Dominic did as much as he could. The others are just party friends." I purposely didn't say anything about her out of fear to broach a sensitive topic this early in the morning. After all she was only fully awake for less than five minutes.

Emily didn't seem to mind though: "Sorry about that lonesome time.", she said and I was able to hear the little tone of guilt in her husky voice. "Don't be. I decided not to tell you. You can't fucking mind-read, especially over miles and miles of sea, yeah?"

That brought a wonderful smile on her face even though it faded away quickly. It was a bad joke, still. She sighted and closed her eyes a second. I knew immediately what was coming.

"Naomi-"

Unexpectedly, my hearing failed me for a second because of a high pitched tone. Out of the corner of my eyes – which I had squinted instinctively – I saw Emily flinching as well. I looked over to the hospital door, that would always squeak unbearably when pushed too hard.

"Good morning ladies.", my doctor, Mr Rosenberg, greeted.

* * *

**Author's note:**

**The suspense is rising – or at least that's my intention.**

**By the way, what do my native speaking readers think about my English? Some serious mistakes? I feel like this chapter could've used a beta-reader.**


	7. That's great news!

**Author's note:**

**You want more, Kara? Your wish is my command ;) Thank you for your review (kind of flattered me!). I actually thought about combining this and the previous chapter but decided against it because I hadn't been satisfied with this second part yet and wanted to give you guys something new to read.**

**You too, RefreshingSanity: Thanks for the review! Really glad to hear that I'm doing o.k. with a foreign language.**

**And Michelle1017; "Looking forward to seeing how Emily can help Naomi" – getting there!**

**Last but not least: A heartily welcome to the new followers :)**

* * *

My heart skipped a beat and Emily sat up immediately. I knew she was thinking the exact same thing I did: We were in trouble for breaking the rules of this hospital. However, my doctor decided to surprise me.

"Did you have a good night?", he asked plainly, "I mean the both of you."

It was such a simple question. Nevertheless it confused me to now end. Especially when Em's eyes grew wide and she started to smile at the middle-aged medic. Why wasn't he yelling by now? What was going on?

My girlfriend decided to nod and seeing that I probably wouldn't answer him any time soon, doctor Rosenberg continued with what he had to say to me. After all, Emily had already told me that he wanted to speak to me about something.

"Naomi, I am here because we need to discuss further steps."

He made a small pause and looked at the both of us. After yesterday I didn't dare to say anything. Better to say nothing than to drop the cheeky or smart comments waiting on the tip of my tongue. I had hurt Emily immensely that way and loved her way too much to repeat that mistake. So I needed to simply swallow this needless medical report – for her.

"Yeah?"

"Well the chemo unfortunately didn't reduce the tumor.", he said.

Emily got a strong hold on my hand again that moment. I shivered at her touch.

"So?", I asked to make him talk. He took too damn long to get to the point.

"Yet!" – he smiled – "I'm happy to say that it didn't increase either."

I shivered even more. Please don't do that …

"Okay, that's good, right?", Ems said and smiled broadly, hope throbbing from her husky voice. It made me ache – deeply and utterly. It felt like an upcoming earthquake: A slight tremble that you would only notice if you were actually concentrating on it, but you knew that it would get worse the closer it gets.

"Indeed.", he pushed his reading glasses back up his nose and dove back into the pieces of paper he had brought along. "If we can reduce the tumor just a few inches we might be able to remove the core. And I'm hopeful we can kill of the little offsprings in your liver with the chemo before they can do real damage."

Emily's smile radiated through the room and hit my cold being with a painful force. I refused to look into her chocolate brown orbs for the hope there would probably kill me right on the spot. I swallowed the great lump in my throat but unfortunately it didn't really help to reduce the feeling of being strangled.

"That's great news!", the former red-head exclaimed happily. Dr Rosenberg nodded with a smile but took another stern look at his notes in the following. "However, we also need to increase the dose of the chemotherapy."

Now my eyebrow rose skeptically. What the fuck? My body now shivered violently at the sole thought of that. "Doc, I puke my guts out every day already …" For some stupid reason, I whispered. As if it could really make Emily, who sat right besides me, overhear my words, "I don't know if-"

"Don't worry, it won't be much. But hopefully it is just enough addition to finally reduce the tumor a bit. And I'm sure you won't even notice a difference."

_Yes, I will._, I thought. Because this dose would be spiced with false and venomous hope. Hope that was going to be Emily's doom. As if on cue once again the girl ruling my thoughts put some force into our joined hands to show me that she was still there. I knew she wanted me to look at her desperately but I just couldn't bear it at the moment.

"Furthermore, we need to act fast. This is why we should start another therapy cycle today."

Now I couldn't help it anymore: A small desperate tear dropped from my reddened eyes. "The last chemo was only four days ago.", I reminded him – in case he had gone nuts or confused me with another patient. Nevertheless, he agreed immediately by nodding.

"I know you're scared, it's totally normal, believe me." – he stood up – "Of course, it's your choice. Therapy would start in an hour so you got some time to think about it and make a decision. However, be well aware of the fact that you can trust me. And you're not alone anymore either."

I swallowed but this time couldn't even get the second big lump out of my throat with the action. I felt lost and … bulldozed.

Doctor Rosenberg had gone from a snail's speed to wasting no time anymore. He excused himself quickly and left the room. However, he would also make sure to smile at Emily again before he did so. I wondered what was going on between these two briefly before returning to my overpowering catatonic state.

I wasn't even sure if I was still alive at the moment. More chemo? I was barely holding up the the regular dose. What was he thinking? Why was he so oblivious to the fact that was at the same time so clear to me? And Emily …

It was only when I thought of her that I noticed that she was trying to get in touch with me again. Her opened mouth – her beautiful kissable lips moving – would lead me out of the maze built from my own thoughts: "Isn't that great, Naoms?", Emily asked me while she bounced a little against my shoulder.

I lost myself in her eyes. "More chemo …" was what I said when I really worried about the greater amount of hope I now needed to confront in the seemingly endless and merciless battle for my girlfriend's sanity.

A fight I currently feared to have lost already.


	8. Why would you worry about me?

**Author's note:**

**Good evening folks (it's well past 10 PM here :D), long time no see! Sorry it took me so long to write this chapter. I was busy planning vacation – which starts tomorrow, yey! **

**Hopefully I'll still be able to write new chapters within the next 10 days. If not, hope you won't get mad at me. Just stay tuned :)**

**Hope you like this one! Oh and thank you for your replies/favs/follows again!**

* * *

I liked Dr. Rosenberg. He had a serious face but a rather warm smile that gave him a certain trust-evoking charisma. But what was really striking about him was his unconditional desire to help Naomi not only because of his job but because of his compassion. He had allowed for me to stay at my girlfriend's side and he had reminded her – as from a third person's view – that she wasn't alone in this anymore.

Put simply: He was on my side. And that thought put a confidant smile on my face, especially when we nodded reassuringly in my direction.

My short daydream ended when I started listening to the silence and thereby became aware of my throbbing headache again. Forcing the pain away, I soon focused on the most important thing in my life. The one thing I needed to protect with all my strength.

Naomi looked more than a little lost. Almost like she didn't belong in this world anymore. And to say the least: It scared the shit out of me. Instinctively my finger touched the teardrop – the prove of her desperation – that had escaped her eye before and had fallen onto our joined hands.

_This is it._, I thought, _This is were it really starts …_

I decided to say something that I knew would get her attention right away. There was just no rational point in beating about the bush, was there?

"Isn't that great, Naoms?!", I asked – and bit on my tongue a second later. It was such a cruel way to get some attention, still.

It did the trick though: Naomi looked at me like she had only now realized my presence. Her eyes were sort of hollow and so were the words that dropped out of her mouth. "More chemo …", she said silently. Our eyes never left each other.

"So you decided to go for it then? That's even better!"

I felt terrible. But I told myself that this was all for the greater good. That I had no other choice but to take advantage of her current situation and overwhelm her with courage, motivation and hope.

I knew for sure that she had meant to tell me something else – that was the one thing that I _could_ read in those empty eyes – nevertheless I needed to play dumb. Even when that blatant lie tore at my heart violently.

The blond girl never said anything but still wouldn't take her eyes off mine. She just kept staring at me and the more time passed the more I apprehended that Dr Rosenberg's announcement had broken the rest of all her intact spirits. Which was rather ironic because the same announcement had lifted my own spirits endlessly.

"A penny for your thoughts.", I whispered sweetly to break the silence once again. Naomi blinked a few times. As she ended, the fear was now clearly visible in her eyes: "I'm scared, Em.", she confirmed my suspicion. Out of sheer reflex, I started stroking over her hand again – it was such a soothing gesture for the both of us from the very start of our relationship.

"I know.", I said.

A few moments passed then I felt the need to clarify something that I hoped would be quite obvious to her already: "I'm with you. The whole time. And we'll get through it, ok?"

She nodded somewhat apathetically and I grumbled. I knew I wasn't reaching her yet. "Naomi, you're not alone in this.", I repeated the words Dr Rosenberg had used before. Hopefully she would have some kind of déjà-vu moment and would _really_ hear what I was saying.

The tears fell so suddenly from her face that it startled me.

"Babes …", I mumbled, a little lost because of the sudden emotional outburst. What did I say to evoke such a reaction? It shouldn't be a new information to her! Why would it?!

"That's the problem.", she yelled, her voice a little un-steady. Angry tears then.

"That is the _fucking_ problem, Emily. I want to keep you save."

Quickly but also very carefully she buried her face in my excited chest. In addition, her arms snaked around my body as she held me tight. Naturally my eyes closed due to her soft touches – they always did – but I still felt uncomfortable at the moment.

"Why would you worry about me?", I asked honestly because I still couldn't make any sense of that. The beautiful blonde never answered with words but with pulling me closer like I was her childhood teddybear, that she would never give away in her whole life.

"Naomi?", I said, adding _You're starting to scare me._, in my thoughts.

Still no answer. I sighed a little, wrecking my brain while my heart started to race. It was inappropriate of her, wasn't it? There was no reason for that kind of fear. Maybe the painkillers or the overpowering fear she was quite obviously feeling were clouding her thoughts?

I soon came to the conclusion that either way it just didn't matter.

"Look. We are going to beat this thing!", I said with such a finality that I surprised myself, "We have been through _so_ much – you know we did! And we'll just do it again, yeah?"

Funny; I actually wished it were as simple as it sounded.

A small nod against my heart made the muscle jump in relief. I finally had the feeling to touch her in the darkness – to get through to her. And for a moment I was the happiest person to ever exist just because of that small fact.

"I just- I … " – a swallow and a pause – "Let's be realistic …"

She mumbled so incomprehensible that I almost didn't hear her. It made me bite my lip, however, I finally had something to start with. I was reaching her, I was having a voice in this godforsaken matter!

And that was satisfying enough for now.

* * *

**Author's note:**

**Let me know what you think. Do you like the pace of the story?**


	9. Do you feel … this?

**Author's note:**

**Hey guys, I'm back from vacation! And I bring you the longest chapter yet :)**

**Hope you like it, especially after such a long pause. Also, I had quite a struggle with this one. Fortunately the vacation helped to sort a few ideas/thoughts out so now I'm finally satisfied enough to post something new. Have fun reading this!**

* * *

I held my breath in shock when Dr Rosenberg came back to my room. I quickly glared at the clock in disbelieve but was disappointed by the neutral device. Time was just slipping through my fingers so fast these days. Just a moment ago I was mindlessly experiencing the company of my girlfriend while just occasionally thinking about my decision and now …

Emily, who had obviously dozed off a little for the past couple of minutes, jumped from her involuntary sleep as well, probably because of the notorious squeaking noise of that damn door. Just like in the morning, she grimaced a little and looked rather exhausted to me. However, she was wide awake as she saw my doctor again.

I let go of her the second the middle-ager reached the front of my bed and my nurse Angie, who had trailed behind him, was now smiling at me reassuringly. Emily also crawled out of the bed, probably because she felt it was inadequate with my doctor standing in the room to share the bed.

"You're up for it?", Dr Rosenberg asked me and held up a newly filled infusion bag. The sole sight of which forced my guts to twist and turn although it had just the same color as the empty one hanging right beside me.

My answer was a clear No. I wasn't up for more chemo.

I wasn't up for _any_ of this.

However, after listening to my delusional girlfriend – my beautiful, naive angel – it had occurred to me that this might be the only way for me to show her the right path. By actions and not by words. Latest were professionally deflected off her anyways, because, let's be honest, she had always been the better one with them.

I had to try. I needed to be brave – again – in order to save her. It's what made me conceal the truth from her in the first place, right? That overpowering need to save the life most dearest to me.

_So be brave. Be brave … and want me back!_

I opened my mouth just to bite on my lip; I realized that I couldn't say it out loud. Emily would probably notice the lie within my words, too. So I nodded instead, which was enough for my doctor to order Angie to "Go on with it".

I watched for a second as Angie replaced the empty electrolyte infusion from last night with the newly filled toxic bag. Then I stretched my arm into her direction – I knew it wouldn't take long now – but looked the other way. Time slipped through my fingers again.

I resigned to my faith fully as I locked eyes with Emily, who looked extremely concentrated as well as concerned now._ I need to save you._, I thought once again. It was really all I could think about during these last days.

I hissed a little when the chemical fluids initially hit my internal tissue, milling through my veins like a rusty saw. I got used to this dull pain pretty soon though. After all, it wasn't the first time that I was feeling like starting to rot from the inside out.

"Okay, you know the drill, Angie'll look after you in a few hours but for now I think you're okay with your girl here.", my doctor said, "Emily, I'll leave you to it. Naomi will tell you what to do."

The door closed again and Emily, still peering hard at me, now looked a little confused as well. "What I … need to do?", she asked franticly. It made me smile a little.

"Don't panic.", I said calmly, "it's basically just calling for help when I get some kind of toxic shock or something." – Emily frowned hard – "Sorry, that was unnecessary. But it doesn't make it any less true." She nodded almost invisibly. "I know. But for now-" "We just wait and see. Yeah."

An uncomfortable silence hit us as we both avoided the one topic we had tried to finish independently from one another before. I felt like Emily too feared to continue where we last left off because of thinking that we would only get interrupted again. After all, it had happened many times before: The first time Emily had escaped from me, the second time Dominic interrupted, then my doctor was in the way.

I for one was kind of past trying now. That was based on two reasons mainly: One, I didn't want any more intruders. Second, as I said before, I had no chance against Emily with words as my weapon.

I was well aware that Emily didn't deserve that brutal honesty, that I was about to throw at her again. It made me feel guilty already. Nevertheless, I was really desperate and needed to do this – for _her_ sake! It's not like I had a real choice here for she needed to understand what was going to happen inevitably. Whether she liked it or not.

_An illusion would hurt her even more than the truth._, I thought. _And when she'll finally open her eyes, she'll surely understand my way and forgive me. She has to. She always does._

Three and a half hour later – just as we reached half time of the current session of chemotherapy – we fell into silence again. We had spent most of the day with talking about New York and the experiences Emily had made.

It was a rather spontaneous and doubtful thought that had hit me. Doubtful, because it just wasn't something connecting us as a couple. However, I soon realized that the topic was just perfect for making us talk about something else than cancer, death and hospitals for a change. Because, yeah, it didn't connect as us a couple, but as humans that cared about each other. Close enough!

I could tell that Em felt the same. At first she was rather shy, not saying more than she needed to in order to answer all of my questions straight away. But eventually she would warm up and even tell me about the really interesting stuff. Those little anecdotes and experiences that _really_ shape you as a person.

As silence hit us again, my attention shifted a little. I focussed more on my hands, which were slowly but constantly making me feel uncomfortable. I knew that Emily had noticed before, but now as we had dropped every other topic, she finally asked me about it.

"What's wrong with your hands? You keep flexing them."

I knew that this was the moment I had been waiting for. This is what Emily needed to see and acknowledge. Still, there were those bad feelings within my guts that silenced me for a while: The guilt of hurting her, the fear of death, the "maybe" – maybe Emily was right and there still _was _hope for me.

The feeling of my numb limbs wasn't helping either. Until this very day I hadn't managed to get over this strange sensation, that scary feeling of growing unable to feel anything. For me, that was far scarier than throwing up several times in a row or loosing all of my hair. It was like a de-evolution, like going back to the lonely times without Emily.

And I sure wouldn't like to go back to that.

"I can't feel anything.", I finally said. I was only brave enough to look into Emily's eyes for a split second, but that was still enough time for me to see what the simple sentence did to her. I tried swallowing the lump in my throat; I failed.

Emily recovered fairly quick: She took the numb limbs and used her thumbs to wander over the back of my hands. I knew because I saw it with my eyes, not because I was really feeling it.

"There's nothing.", I mumbled silently, sadly even, although I had tried to fence that sadness, "Just a tickle. If even."

My sadness swept over, I thought, because now Emily's eyes watered a little. Then, I saw a small something that lit up in those chocolate brown eyes of hers, like a flame or spark. A second later, my girlfriend leaned down and placed a small kiss on one of my hands. "Can you feel that?", she asked, her voice sounding even huskier than usual. I swallowed again, this time defeating the lump within my throat successfully. I felt aroused immediately.

Emily smiled at me, then leant down and placed another soft kiss on my hand. For a moment I felt something, but soon thought about it the rational way. After all, I had heard about "phantom feelings" before.

I woke from my tiny daydream abruptly as I flinched out of reflex: Emily had continued to place small kisses on my body. Wandering from my hand to my upper arm – one of the parts that I was still able to feel something from – she suddenly stopped.

My jaw dropped open when her eyes settled onto mine, the pure sight of her face so near to mine rendering me speechless. She leaned in and started kissing me again, placing soft kisses on my cheek, my temple and forehead.

I had no choice but to close my eyes for it was the only way that I could enjoy this lovely moment 100%. Her name slipped over my lips due to her sweet caress. I never wanted to let this moment end.

"Do you feel … this?", she asked again and before I could even guess what she meant, I _did_ feel it: Emily kissed me.

I felt like dying and going to heaven instantly. God, how I'd missed her. Those lips that fit so perfectly into my own – just like everything else about her – that soft tongue, the little sounds she was making when things started to get a little heated, her unique scent, her touch, …

"Em.", I whispered in one of the small seconds she sometimes left me to take a quick breath. "Hmmmmm?", came the hummed response a second later, just after she had closed the gap again. "I missed you.", I said, never fully interrupting our connection. Emily just smiled into our kiss and soon started to deepen it as well. "So much …", I breathed out when her hands started to travel over my body as well.

* * *

**Author's note:**

******Aw, you gotta love those two love birdies, right? Felt like it was time for a little more fluff. ********Let me know if you liked that and especially if Naomi's intentions and feelings are comprehensibly written down – since our poor girly is a little confused and "emotionally shaken" atm and you can't really use adjectives like "clearly" to describe her emotions ... well, anyways!**

******I'd appreciate it :)**


	10. Isn't that worth it?

**Author's note:**

**A big thank you to all the reviewers and especially to Michelle1017, Kara and Cuthbert72 for your continuous support! Yes Kara, I had a wonderful holiday – and a horrible follow-up week at work because of it :D**

**Oh and uhhuhnaomily, you were quite right about Naomi's feeling.**

**Took me a while again, but only because this is a ****_very_**** important chapter. You'll figure out why. It's quite long, too (definitely the longest yet). Enjoy! And don't forget to tell me what you think :)**

* * *

As I lost myself in my girlfriend I also lost track of time. All I knew was that we didn't stop at a few kisses but had been sharing our feelings for a fair amount of time now. There just wasn't any good reason in this world for stopping.

Until now.

Contrary to my whole body that had been, let's say, "activated" by our passion for each other – at least I told myself that this had to be a part of it – my tongue grew numb and I pushed Emily back a little. For a split second she seemed confused, but when she took a closer look she broke into a broad smile instantly.

"Oh my.", she chuckled, "I take it you're not as cold as you were before.", she patted both my blushed cheeks lightly. I believe I smiled rather unrecognizably before a frown settled on my face. "You noticed?"

I had mumbled – never a good sign. I closed my eyes, trying to avoid the bad feeling growing inside of me, failing at that, however, because it always started this way.

And it would always end the same way as well.

"Of course!", Emily scolded meanwhile, "Listen, we've known each other for– how many years now?! And more importantly we've been together for quite a few years as well …" – she left a quick peck on my lips – "One would think that you have finally admitted to yourself that I can read you like a fucking book, Naomi! I notice these things."

I couldn't help but smile at that – this time truthfully. I re-opened my eyes to look at my beautiful girlfriend again and was glad to see that my weak smile only made Emily's grow wider.

Unfortunately, said smile dropped from Em's face far sooner than I liked. So did her eyes that were now fixated on the blanket as well as her voice that was so silently that it nearly missed my ears; "Most of the time, anyways …", she whispered coyly.

A little irritated by the sudden change of her mood I wasn't able to say anything at first. However, that didn't mean that I didn't know what was going on in that pretty little head of hers. Emily was right: She really could read me like a fucking book, alright. However, she obviously forgot that the same went for my end.

"Em-"

I stopped abruptly as a spasm ripped through my body. "Ah, no.", I leaned up and quicker than I realized what I was doing I shoved Emily away a little.

I threw up. Fortunately, I missed her by a few inches. But it still felt like I had puked right into her face. "Sorry.", I exclaimed sheepishly and took my eyes off her in embarrassment. I turned around and wiped my mouth while searching for that puking bucket Angie had brought me one day. Once I found it and placed it right besides me, I put a hand – yes, one of the numb ones – to my head as my throbbing headache fully wielded its power over me.

_Kissing is good for blocking out pain …_, I though absently, needing a moment to regain composure.

"You ok?", Emily asked, slowly stroking my cheeks again.

To be honest, I knew exactly that there was nothing left to do or say for her. I definitely knew that. Still, my emotions took over and I turned my head away – away from that hand, away from Emily.

I just couldn't help but feel kidded. Not really because of her words or her care. But because of what life did to me. Just how could I _ever _be okay with that?

_Funny how fast your feelings can turn your mood around._, was another thought, that ran through my pain-driven brain.

"Do you mind leaving me alone for a while?", I asked truthfully. Showing her my misery to make her understand was one thing. But propelling past that point and risking to lash out to her any second was absolutely in-discussable. I would never forgive myself, if I would hurt her that way as well.

Emily queered my pitch though: "Yeah. Actually, I do."

I opened my eyes to stare at the blank ceiling. "What?", I said, more to myself than her, really.

"You heard me.", she replied stubbornly, "I told you, you're not alone in this."

I sighted just a bit. "For a few minutes.", I said, more calm than I really was, "I'm sure nothing serious is going to happen in that time. You'll be back when– …", I bit my tongue, probably unconsciously, and stopped.

I turned to look into Emily's eyes and immediately knew that she was about to initiate another attempt at finishing the talk we had both tried to finish so many times before. The timing was shit, I granted, but screw it; I guess it was as good a time as any.

_I just have to weight my words more carefully than ever before …_, I thought while grimacing, _And fuck's sake, what a fucking piece of cake _that _is going to be! … Okay, come on, you can do this. You know you're doing it for your girl, Naomi. So pull yourself together and make your stupid point. Now's your chance._

"What exactly are you trying to say?!"

_… Showdown._

"What do you _think_ I'm saying?"

_A question for a question – fucking smart start, Naomi._, I face palmed myself mentally. Told you I was bad with words.

I think I never saw Emily more serious. Her whole forehead was wrinkled, her mouth pulled tight and her eyes watered, probably because of the intense stare she was giving me. Gone was the guilt she had put to her account just a few moments ago.

"Look, you decided to give it a try so I thought-"

"You needed to see this, Em."

"See what?!"

"_This!_"

Angrily, I pointed to my puke, or rather the blanket on the floor for we had gotten rid of the smelly fabric right after I had messed it up, "You need to _understand_.", I pushed.

Emily kept silent and I took it she knew exactly what I was talking about. Finally!

We both stared, our eyes suddenly turning cold because of one another. I focussed and suddenly saw real tears in her eyes. And as soon as I took notice, I realized that I had teared up as well.

"What happened to you, Naomi?"

I breathed in deeply but refused to breathe out any time soon. There just wasn't a good enough answer for this question. Just sarcastic ones that Emily didn't deserve. So I remained silent …

"I thought you would … _want_ to survive. When did that change, huh? Did you even _once_ stop and think about _me_?! Obviously not. You didn't when you lied to me and you don't _now_!"

… until she accused me of something that I _never_ did.

"Yes I do!", I said loudly – obviously startling her in the process – "Every goddamn minute of my life, I think about you! You're all I _ever_ think about, Emily! I fucking can't get you out of my head – and I sure as hell can't _ignore_ that! I can't just watch you lying to yourself!"

_"You're_ lying to yourself, Naomi!", she yelled and threw her hands up in anger.

"Am I?!", I asked back immediately, "I have fucking cancer, I'm going to die, I will not walk out of here _ever_ again, I'll die at the age of 21 – and my girlfriend is not realizing _any_ of these facts. So tell me again, which one of us is lying to herself?!"

I felt like exploding. My head hurt like hell now, my hands tingled painfully and my stomach sat in a roller coaster ride. I felt dizzy and before I knew threw up another time. It was quite clear to me that it had happened due to my current stress level and upset state.

Emily watched in silence, but now tears were streaming down her face freely. It wasn't a very pleasing sight, but I still felt a little comforted by it, because my plan seemed to work.

I got rid of the last remains of my puke from my mouth and hands then sighted loudly before leaning back. Despite my fleeting victorious feeling I felt tired and defeated. Emily seemed to be in the exact same state, when she whispered to me: "It doesn't have to be that way …"

Instinctively, I reached for her hand and found it eventually. "I just _know_. Okay? I … can feel it. I'm dying.", I watched her intensively, "I guess you just know when your own body slowly stops functioning. You know … when it's time to go."

"But you don't even _try_, Naomi.", she cried, "For god's sake, you're only 21! You just–"

Probably out of reflex, I yanked her hand. "Emily!", I exclaimed, quite shocked, "Emily, _listen_ to yourself– listen to _me_! You are scaring the living _shit_ out of me right now – and there's not much left of that so that's gotta count for something.", I calmed a little when my own tears finally set themselves free and every sarcastic or even cynic fiber left me, "I love you so– fucking– much. Okay? And I can't just … _watch_ you walk into that mouse trap. I can't bear the thought of you losing me with this illusion going around in your head. It'll hit you like a thunderbolt, crush you, blow you to pieces. I fucking know that it's not easy but I want you to be happy again, Emily. You're too young to get scarred by a loss."

I was quite proud of my words. It was not very often that I was able to fully express myself – not with words anyways – and I certainly had never been this eloquent before. And maybe that pride was the reason I gave a violent jerk when suddenly the tables turned and _she_ was the one pulling back fast.

Emily had stood up and now watched me through a teary grimace of sadness, anger and disappointment – all mixed into one.

_What the fuck am I doing to you …_

"You know what I'm getting _scarred_ by.", Emily asked delusively, never really giving me a chance to reply in the first place, "I'm getting scarred by my _girlfriend_, who grew up to be a fucking fighter, now cowering down in fear and giving up without a real fight! It almost tore us apart before and after all these years you want to do it again? Really?! Now _that_ is scarring me!  
You know, you try to safe _me_ but you buried _yourself_ days ago. Failing to see that one goes for the other! And failing to see that I'm not the one who is lost. I'm fine, I'm thinking straight– but you aren't. It's _you_. _You're_ lost in those dark thoughts of yours. And I'm trying so– _fucking_– desperately to get you out of there … but I can't do this on my own.  
I need your help, Naomi."

I had started to shake my head during her speech and I kept doing it even after she had stopped. This conversation really stripped me of all my strength and transformed me into a nervous wreck any minute now.

I thought she would understand, but she just didn't.

_Can't things ever be complicated?_

"Just … _why_ aren't you fighting? You've got your whole life ahead of you. Then there's … there's me– _us_! Isn't that worth it?" I simply nodded – which angered her even more. "Then stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself and fucking _fight_!", she yelled directly into my face.

"Emily, I have been fighting for _half a fucking year _now!", I bursted, my voice trembling.

"Yeah.", she smiled cynically – something Emily _never_ did – "Alone. Fucking _alone_! Because you never told me what was going on, because out of some false guilt or pride– God I don't even _know–_ maybe you just don't trust me enough–"

"Don't say that.", I begged, "There is nobody in this whole world that I would trust more. Be honest, you know that! I did it _for_ _you_."

"Oh so this is _my_ fault now?! Hell no.", Emily shock her head, obviously never really hearing my interrupting words, telling her that none of this was her fault, "You failed.", she just continued, "You fought alone and you failed. Just like I am failing now. Can't you see it? We can only beat this if we stick together. I know we can! So try! Seriously, what have you left to loose, anyways?!"

"_You_! Emily … you're running straight for hell here and you don't even see what's right in front of you. Please open your eyes! I want to save you, spare you the experience. I need to. Just … I told you all those years ago that I would die for you – that didn't change! So let me.

That was it; Something behind Emily's eyes disappeared as soon as the words had left my mouth. Like a candle light that lost all its power and just went out. And this time it wasn't my stomach that was reacting to the stress, but my heart, that contracted painfully.

Something bad was about to happen, it suddenly occurred to me.

Emily stumbled a few steps backwards, her face still torn between several feelings but her eyes emptied. I could've imagined it, but at the same time I knew for sure that she grew completely pale within mere seconds.

I had chosen the wrong words.

"Em.", I tried to reach out but she just kept backing away until she hit the wall with a thud. It kind of woke her from her state of trance, but surely not completely because her eyes were now focussed but still empty. "I can't do this.", she said and went for the door, making me bite down on my bottom lip hard.

_I can't stand it, I can't – It's okay._

_"_Not this time.", I said to myself, then leaned up, "Don't go, Emily!", I yelled knowing all to well that with the ongoing chemo – the tubes and my physical weakness – I had absolutely less than zero chances of following her, "Please!"

But she wouldn't listen. She pressed her eyes closed and practically fell through the door as she tried desperately to run away from me. Her movement was pretty uncoordinated, worrying me to no end.

"Oi, E- … Emily!", I heard a rather surprised yelp from some male. As Emily's small frame fully left my worried sight as well as the doorframe, I recognized Dominic. He stood a mere inches from the doorway and held some flowers in his hand. Obviously, he had been about to knock on the door to visit me.

My best friend's attention was all Emily's when she stormed past him without saying anything to him and rushed down the corridor noisily.

I opened my mouth to beg him to stop her, get her back to me! But then I was interrupted and startled violently by a really loud thud. My sense of foreboding came back with a force and made my heart stop – Dominic dropped the flowers the same second.

"Oh god, Emily!", he screamed and then sprinted out of my limited sight.

* * *

**Author's note:**

**... :O**


	11. I'm exhausted

**Author's note:**

**Urgh, sorry for the long wait, especially after such a cliffhanger! Some things came up and I wasn't feeling well for some time, too. Also, it seems I keep struggling with Emily's POV chapters :D**

**But don't worry, I'm here to bring you an update :)**

**Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter. I was really happy about them :3**

* * *

This was wrong.

Wrong on so many levels.

Just plain wrong!

"So let me.", Naomi had concluded. The message she delivered with those words wasn't what she had meant to say. I knew Naomi fairly well to be sure of that. But that didn't spare me anything.

Not even a day had passed since my girlfriend had pulled the rug from under my feet for the first time. It had left me helpless for quite a while as well, but to be honest, it also had made me realize what I needed to do. For that reason it had been a wake-up call. Something good, ultimately, that had filled me with courage and confidence.

Unfortunately, this time was different. The second time Naomi's words set me off balance, it was as if I was being bereaved of those positive feelings; Instead of regaining footage, I was back to losing it. And even though I was currently looking at it from a rational angle and my head was telling me over and over again that she had meant something else entirely, her words still broke my shield and fed the uncontrollable little demon within me.

And since I now lacked courage and confidence to fight it, I couldn't do anything to stop the bastard from coming to life and corrupting me.

_It really _is_ your fault._, my now ugly-faced subconsciousness said, _It's your fault. Because she would die for you. And she will. Naomi is dying._

As I stumbled backwards due to my clouded mind and thereby nearly lost my physical footage as well, I was starting to get aware of my body again. The headache I had carried around all day was still present, also my ears started ringing and my vision was suddenly blurred by a thousand dancing stars.

"Em.", I heard at the back of my mind. Naomi had said my nickname in such a pleading voice that it started an enormous fireworks of feelings within me. It's what she always did. Because I loved this girl to bits and pieces and didn't dare to image life without her. Really, it had always been that way for me; an one way street. Even though I had only realized this after Naomi had cheated on me.

_Why can't she see it?_ – the thought crossed my mind –_ I said it before, I said it just now, I feel it every goddamn day. But she doesn't. Naomi doesn't. Why? Why did it slip so many times? Why can't she feel it herself? Why is this so hard for her? This can't be true. She can't be giving up on us._

The wall crashed into my back painfully, pulling me back to reality just a little. I concentrated on my vision and was able to force the stars away. I ended up looking directly into my girlfriends eyes. It had the same effect as my name said by her wonderful voice before, however, this time I felt like the fireworks were taking aim at my face.

In that moment, everything was so surreal to me that I was reduced to nothing more than a bundle of pure instincts; I felt myself walking away from the thread.

"I can't do this." – had that been my voice?

"Don't go, Emily! Please!", an immediate answer followed.

My head felt like cracking open and started to throb dreadfully.

_Why can't you see it? _

Within mere seconds I didn't hear anything but the squeaking rush of blood in my ears, that got louder with each passing second.

_Why can't you see _me_?_

The thick curtain of dancing stars fell back over my vision just as fast as I felt dizzy from it.

_Please listen to me._

My heart rate tripled so that the muscle hammered against my sore rip cage.

_I can't stand this, please fight!_

And my stomach fell down so deeply that I was tempted to say it just fell off my body for real.

_You need to fight …_

Out of nowhere, my rational mind came back to me. Only in the split second, in which I felt like falling, would it alarm me about all those signals of my body, tell me that I didn't feel well, that I needed to–

Then the thought was gone and I hit the bottom of the darkness.

My inner demon had successfully dragged me down. From now on, I felt lonely and scared. And besides those feelings, there was nothing else. I wanted to see and try to figure out where I was, but I just wasn't able to. It was quite the same with talking: When my fear, of not knowing what was going on and what was about to happen, had bottled up way too much and I tried to release the pressure, I wouldn't be able to do that either.

Put simply, I was trapped in something and wasn't even capable of realizing what it was.

I dwelled in that depressing state. Not because I wanted to, but because I was forced to. I don't really know why, but I still kept searching for answers and for something that would tell me what was going on, who I was and why the hell I deserved to feel the way I did. I couldn't tell this because I was doing anything, but because of the fact that if I _really_ had stopped trying, I wouldn't keep on feeling scared – or would I?

Occasionally, I wondered just how much time had passed. I found myself wishing for something – really _anything_ – to happen. Everything seemed better than this awful deadlock. At some point, the time really came and relief suddenly mixed itself into all that I was now; There was a light.

And then I remembered who I was and opened my eyes for real.

My body was awkwardly awake while on contrast it took me quite some time to understand that I had been dreaming before and had now awoken. I had a quick glance at my surroundings – I was lying in some kind of bed and almost everything around me was white – then let go of the breath I had been holding and closed my eyes again. At the same time I brushed some hair off my forehead to rest my hands there properly.

"Emily, Ems! You're awake."

I felt rather warm and sweaty, but also noticed that my headache was mostly gone. All in all, I felt comfy as I was. Suddenly aware of something in the crook of my arm when I wanted to wrap myself up in the blanket a little further, I opened my eyes again. I frowned at a cannula sticking out of my limb.

_What the fuck?_, I thought confused – and nearly jumped out of my skin as a foreign hand suddenly entered my vision and reached for my lower arm. It was only then, that I remembered than someone had said my name a few moments ago.

_Guess I'm not as awake as I thought I was._, went trough my mind.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

When me heartbeat returned to normal, I finally turned my head around and had a look at the owner of that voice. I met a pair of extremely sad-looking eyes and suddenly felt as if missing substance was pumped back into my being. I was starting to be complete again.

"What happened?", I thought aloud, but with only a shadow of what used to be my voice.

I kept looking at those eyes whilst all the memories came back. All the times when we used to laugh and when we felt happy, but also the more recent events that made my heart ache painfully.

The last thing that came back to me answered my own question of why the fuck I would _ever _forget what the sound of my girlfriend's voice sounded like: I simply had wanted to.

_So let me._

That very last memory was back to echoing through my mind again. I was glad that I didn't end up with a hell of a headache this time around. Nevertheless, I also felt a bit angry at myself for not being able to remember anything after that – at least not in a clear way. And what was even worse was the fact that the more I tried to remember, the more I lost the little somethings I _could_ remember, like the feelings I had during my dream. Everything just became more blurry instead of more clear.

"Circulatory collapse. You passed out …", Naomi said silently while she stroke over the wrist of my tubed arm. So that's why I was plugged to an infusion and lay in a second hospital bed in Naomi's room. It also explained why everything had been so blurry after our heated discussion and why my side hurt a little.

I heard Naomi sigh deeply before continuing. "How are you feeling?", she whispered, "You scared me, you know."

It was a question that I needed to answer very carefully. Psychically I was still a mess, but I was also doing my best to avoid dealing with this right now. Instead I focused on the physical aspect: Staring at her for such a long time had made my eyes feel sore, I admitted. I was still comfortable, but with a now clearer mind it occurred to me that this as well as my heavy eyes where both just a sign that I had awoken because of my dream and not because of my body's ended desire for sleep. It was like waking up at night, turning over with full awareness and then settling back into a deep sleep – all within mere minutes.

"I'm exhausted.", I concluded – and was quite shocked about my brutal honesty.

I really didn't want to give her this part of me right now. Our last talk – in which I had also worn my heart on my sleeve – had hurt me on so many levels. And now, as I wasn't wearing _any_ masks and lay naked before her, my most honest thoughts showing and still feeling the aftershock of our first confrontation … Let's say I wasn't up to it any time soon.

Not wanting her to linger on my last words, I said some more and just went with the first thing that came to mind: "Still got a headache, but it's not as throbbing as before."

"Still, eh?" – she stopped stroking my arm and at the same time lowered her eyes – "You should've told me.", she said sternly, but not accusingly at all, "Or rather, I should've noticed. No, actually, I _did _notice, in the morning already, but I– just … I didn't …"

I shook my head intuitively. "It's okay.", I said quickly, trying to stop her talking, "You helped me, you know. The kissing, I mean. It …"

There it was again, that involuntary and uncontrolled disarming honesty of mine.

_So much for avoiding the mess inside my head._, I thought, _I need to pull myself together, otherwise I'm going to break my own neck with this._

"… helped block out the pain.", Naomi suddenly said.

My attention was back to her face when she smiled broadly. It was her most brilliant and honest smile, ever since I got back to London, and the sole realization brought tears to my eyes. I turned away.

"You did the same for me.", she added.

I knit my brows, I knit them more, and then already knew that I had no chance against my own emotions.

_No, don't you fucking cry now! _– I refused to give in – _You don't get to cry! So much for being careful– don't cry! Don't, fucking, cry!_

I told myself those words over and over again, but it appeared to only only make things worse. Everything just came grumbling down with Naomi's last words and when I broke out in tears, I knew it was over.

_Failing to see that one goes for the other._, I heard my own voice within my thoughts, _I can't do this._

My hands came up to my face, desperately trying to hide the tears, that I didn't want to cry, from the world's face. I shrank up into the smallest bundle I could ever form with my body whilst all I could think about was just how scared I was because of my vulnerability. The same one I failed epically to hide from her.

I was petrified. There was definitely no one else on the whole planet I would rather break down in front of than Naomi – that hadn't changed – but given the circumstance I not only felt like a huge failure, but also like the most delicious prey to a wild animal. I had obviously lost all of my armor after the last fight, everything I believed in had been crushed, and now my faith lay in the hands of my girlfriend, who didn't want to fight for us or admit to herself that she, too, felt this deep connection.

She had the perfect chance to pull me under now.

When it should've been me pulling her up again.

* * *

**Author's note:**

**A little revision, but I guess it's good for getting back into the story, yeah? I decided for Emily's POV because I wanted to try and write that "unconsciousness part" – what do you think about it? Realistic?**

**I don't want to spoil anything, but expect to see some change in Naomi the next time around – I'll try to update faster than last time ;)**


	12. Leave me alone

**Author's note:**

**We're back to Naomi – is she still the same after what happened to Ems? Read and find out ;)**

* * *

Just how often can your heart be ripped apart before it won't be able to heal itself? How often can you pick up the broken pieces and glue them back together before the one essential piece gets missing and you can't fix it anymore?

A few stray tears fell down my cheeks while the rest of my body kept perfectly still as my mind was busy with doing handicrafts. I sure didn't know the answer to my previous questions, but I knew for sure that _this_ time just couldn't be the last. Also, I figured I would already know, if it really were, anyways.

I remembered the last and only time I saw my girlfriend like this before. The current situation was a little different from the scene I had in mind, for Emily was awake instead of sleeping and dreaming, but just like then, she lay naked before me. Not in the physical sense of the word, but the vulnerable one. She was wounded and fragile – but also still with me. Just like all the times before, she still refused to get rid of the damn stove that had burnt her several times now.

_But that's not entirely true._, I thought and shallowed as I was suddenly lost in my more recent memories; the one time I had made her turn away from me for real.

_._

_Within a few seconds several noises had reached my focussed ears, that were forced to replace my eyes in that moment. There was Dominic screaming for help, several other alarmed voices, shuffling noises and a few orders for medications I had never heard of before. _

_Sadly, the one thing I really needed to hear – Em's voice – was not among all these sounds._

_"Emily? Emily! Oh god!"_

_No one seemed to notice my panicked screams, but that sure didn't stop me from trying to be heard, anyways. I kept on and on, however, as soon as I had wasted a whole minute on screaming without any results, I threw the blanket off my body. Although every single one of my limbs wouldn't contribute to it, I worked feverishly to get out of my bed as soon as possible. I felt like a tiger that was about to get caged for life and there was nothing left but this one chance to escape such a dreadful fate._

_As soon as my feet touched the floor, my knees buckled and I nearly fell to the ground. Somehow I managed to keep my balance nevertheless and reached for the intravenous bottle holder that from now on not only acted as my medication but also as a walking cane._

_I started to get dizzy after just a few steps. Walking while receiving chemo was never a good idea, but in this case, I didn't care about anything else than the well-being of my girlfriend. The bad feeling I had from before was still there and grew with each second that flew by. I couldn't accept it, though. I needed to see what was going on with my own eyes before judging anything – good _or_ bad._

_I reached the dropped flowers in the doorway and immediately looked around the corner. And even though I had already suspected it, I was still quite shocked to see Dominic, Angie, my doctor and another nurse all kneeling around my girlfriend just a few inches away from me. Dominic held up her beautiful head as Dr. Rosenberg slapped her pale cheeks a little, failing to wake Emily up with the action._

_"What's wrong with her!", I demanded and made a few quick steps. Too quick, obviously, because I stumbled and crashed into the nearest wall, flinching because I was disappointed in myself for being such a weakling._

_"Naomi, for God's sake, are you out of your _mind_!", Angie scolded and was besides me in mere seconds. "Come on!", she said and starting to pull me back into the direction of my room._

_"No, Emily, I-" _

_"She'll be fine! Come on." _

_"No!"_

_"Naom-"_

_"Fucking _no_!"_

_I nearly slapped Angie full in the face as I was fighting her arms that were successfully dragging me away. I really liked her, but wasn't even sorry when my rather clumsy hand collided with the side of her head. Angie's grip loosened for a second but I froze as my doctor's voice roared across the floor: "Get her out of here– _now!_"._

_He then ordered Dominic to pick Emily up and the fear of getting separated again cut so very deep that I lost it for a second: All color dropped from my face until I was nearly as pale as my girlfriend – I could feel it – and my stomach turned on the spot, making me choke up some vomit already. _

_"Emily!", I yelled one last time, all the fear evident in my voice, before me and Angie crashed to the floor and I started to gag violently. I felt lost, but found a minimal glimmer of hope when I realized I had finally forced a reaction out of someone with my screaming._

_"Naomi!", Dominic yelled over while situating Emily in his arms properly, "I'll take care of her!"_

_And then they were gone._

_Immediately after the incident, Angie dragged me into the shower. It was really the last thing I wanted to do, but Angie insisted, talking about "quite a distinctive niff in my room" or something. I can't say for sure anymore, but I realized in the back of my head that she wanted to distract me from the horrors before._

_I believe I was in shock. Unable to move after having been separated from the one human that mattered, I just stood there, staring awkwardly at the sterile white bathroom tiles while Angie washed my wrecked body. _

_It was only when her face and the red mark on it came to the fore that I reacted. I instinctively extended a hand, placed it over Angie's probably sore temple and bit my trembling lip, when she flinched away form the touch. We locked eyes._

_"You have a mean left hook, you know that?", Angie said with a smirk. It made my walls grumble like a dry sandcastle in a hurricane. _

_"I'm so sorry.", I mumbled unsteadily – tears mixing into the water dripping from my face – "I'm sorry! I'm really sorry … Em."_

.

That last memory was definitely one that I would never forget in my entire life. Not only because of the visual image of a naked cancer patient being held by her nurse in the middle of showering. Or the fact that said nurse was such an angel for putting up with everything just the right way. But because it was the moment I had finally started to comprehend Emily's point.

I instinctively took my next look at the former red head and felt my heart cracking all over again. Emily's sobs had become quiet now, but the violent tremble was still present. Also, she was still curled up into a small ball, facing away from me.

Back then, when she had had nightmares about my screw-up with Sophia, I was too scared to do what I was about to do now. Thankfully, I wasn't quite that cowardly anymore.

Thanks to Dominic both beds were placed right besides each other, forming a double bed, which made it easy for me to move over. I felt her protest as I slung both my arms around the whole of her trembling frame, but it didn't stop me. She started wiggling immediately and also tried peeling my hands off of her, but I was still able to keep her in my arms, probably due to my strong determination.

When she scratched my hand just a little, which caused me to only tighten my grip further instead of loosen it like she had obviously hoped, Emily's sobs became louder whereas her protest subsided.

Finally.

I placed my head in the crook of her neck and placed a light peck there. "I love you.", I whispered in her ear, my voice still a little unsteady because of the past events. I closed my eyes while absently drawing small patterns on the shin she pressed to her chest fiercely, hoping to help calm her down at least a little bit.

"Leave me alone.", a small whimper reached me, "Please …", she begged.

Some pieces, where the glue hadn't dried yet, threatened to fall off my heart again. Though, I quickly wrapped my mind around it and held it together. There was no real reason to worry. After all, how could I ever blame her for saying this to me, when I was well aware of her reasons?

I understood. I knew. I comprehended her reaction.

And I realized so much more now.

Angie had been there to witness the start of it, but really, it had been my best mate who had helped me to get to this point …

_._

_He came back only thirty minutes after the incident. _

_Thirty minutes, in which I hadn't seen or heard from my girlfriend, who had almost literally collapsed in front of my eyes. Thirty minutes in which I had showered with Angie's help, cried my eyes out and had been released from the chemo. Thirty minutes to stress me out so much that I now felt more weary than I had in the entire last week altogether._

_The dark haired man had made rather quiet steps towards my room, but since I was listening carefully to _any_ noises at the moment, I heard him before he even reached the door. When he_ _stepped into my view, he stopped in front of the flowers in the doorway. He picked them up from the ground, one by one, and ordered them lovingly so that they almost looked as if nothing ever happened to them. _

_Almost_.

_He turned to look at me and stretched his arm a little so that I would look at the flowers instead of his eyes. "These were for you.", he stated the obvious before he walked over to the trash can and dropped his traditional gift unceremoniously, "I didn't quite expect that kind of a welcome …", he said, his smile showing that he was attempting a joke. _

_He soon dropped it when he took a look into my face. _

_"They said she had quite a serious circulatory collapse." – he cut to the chase but paused a second nevertheless – "But she'll be fine. They'll give her an infusion and then bring her here. I made sure of that."_

_I nodded, quite thankful for his dedication. Just what would I have done without Dominic being part of my life? I'd probably still wonder what had happened to my girlfriend and whether or not I would ever see her again. And those were just the recent occasions. Maybe I wouldn't still be here, if it weren't for his friendship …_

_"Naomi?"_

_His tone made me wonder what was about to come next. Maybe he knew already, maybe he didn't. It took me a while, but then I looked at my best mate questioningly, allowing him to ask what he obviously wanted to know. He had earned a reply and I would be honest with him._

_"Are you ok?", he asked the most common question in the whole wild world. It's what I thought, at least. _

_"It's my fault Dom.", I said without hesitation, answering the question he had really wanted to ask. _

_He seemed surprised, but didn't say anything, probably not to interrupt my train of thoughts. Just another thing I liked about him._

_"I hurt her again, Dom.", I rushed, "I promised her once to never do it again– but I did– I did several times! It's horrible, it's … it's what I do, Dominic. I always end up hurting her …"_

_"Maybe." – he agreed without hesitation on his side now – "But you're also the one who can fix this, aren't you?!"_

_I was at a loss for words. He really knew me well by now. _

_"It's what I thought.", he added simply when I wouldn't reply, obviously knowing exactly what I was talking about and what was going on in my head. Maybe he had copied that skill off of Effy?_

_"How can I possibly survive this?", I asked honestly, "The chances are so very low, Dom. There is so little hope … How could that small light _ever_ be enough?"_

_"I hear your Doc is pretty optimistic. So am I. And certainly Emily."_

_"She _was_.", I corrected. It brought a severe grimace to Dom's face. Something I had never seen before._

_"Naomi?", he asked rhetorically, "Stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself and fight! I don't know her very well yet, but I like Emily. She's got something about her, something precious and beautiful, something _rare_ … which I haven't seen in any other person before. So do yourself a favor and don't screw this up. Don't give up without a fight. She is so very much worth fighting for! And she's a damn good reason to keep living– Or would you really disagree with me on that matter?!"_

_Again, I was at a loss for words. Damn, what could I possibly reply to such a to-the-point monologue? He was so totally fucking right about everything. And I had been a damn idiot – again – for not seeing it myself – at least not all the way. _

_I sighted in relief, feeling as if a heavy weight was lifted from my heart. "Thanks Dom, you really are a wonderful friend.", I said truthfully. This time, I made him smile._

_"Don't mention it. You really only needed someone to say out loud, what is already on your mind."_

.

I shook my head, which was still pressed against Emily's neck, and pulled myself out of my memories with the action. "Never.", I whispered simply, finally replying to what she had asked me to do.

My response made her tremble more violent again. Also, her sobs grew into hysterical crying.

And me? I simply pressed her back closer to my chest. I hated to see and hear her cry. It shook me to the core and also made me feel depressive, knowing that most of the time I was acting as a catalyst – regardless of whether it was a good or a bad reason. Furthermore, I often felt powerless, when I wasn't able to calm her down. Especially now, when she had to in order to avoid suffering from another collapse.

"Shh.", I chanted, "I'm here."

I was quite surprised when that was all that was left needed: Before I knew, Emily would lengthen her legs, thereby loosen my grip on them, turn around swiftly and mirror me by wrapping her own limbs around me.

I was quite surprised about how fast depression could be replaced with contentment, too.

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**Author's note:**

**What do you think is about to happen next? I'd say we're 2/3 through the story.**

**Did you like the flashbacks?**

**Oh and another question: What do you guys think about my second favorite Skins OTP, which is LilyKat? I've been working on a story for them parallel to this one. Interested?**


	13. That was quite soppy, Naoms

**Author's note:**

**Here we go again; I guess it's a moment you've all been waiting for?! :3**

**I'll try updating again soonish, but won't make any promises. It's kind of hard to write down stuff that you can already picture quite clearly in your head. I don't know why exactly, but that's my experience with "later chapters" :D**

* * *

When Emily had decided to hug me back, I felt nothing but relief – even though she kept crying for what felt like hours and my heart still kept responding to her pain.

Nevertheless, both facts didn't matter anymore: It had occurred to me that now was the time that she had to let go of all the pain and stress she had been feeling for the last two days. It was essential to her healing. And I, as her girlfriend, would be the one to see her through it.

I was a fool for believing that she had let go of everything the previous day. When we first saw each other again, after months of being separated and her not knowing what was going on. I should've realized that the small amount of time that I had given her wasn't enough for _anyone_ to properly realize such heavy information.

Instead it had been our argument that had made everything so much more real to both of us.

I pressed my precious treasure more closely to my body and rested my forehead onto Emily's softly. Like I had done before a couple of times already, I kissed her tears-stained face in order to make sure she was still aware of my presence.

When I noticed that for the third time in a row she was obviously turning away from my gaze – avoiding my eyes – I had a moment of doubt; Worry mixed into the relief. Worry that I was running out of time to tell her the truth.

And so I found myself wanting to tell her what was on my mind right away.

"Would you look at me?", I asked softly and nudged her head a little, "I love your eyes.", I admitted – for the first time ever. When she wouldn't react, I freed one of my hands and placed it on one of her reddish cheeks. My gaze softened and I kept staring at her lips, while my thumb stroke light patterns onto her skin. "In fact, I love fucking everything about you, you know that? You're my lobster. Even though your hair isn't red anymore."

I gasped out of surprise when her fingernails literally bore into the skin on my back – and I actually was able to feel it.

_She makes me feel._, it rushed through my head,_ She makes me feel alive. She's my hope._

I teared up within seconds and placed another kiss on her forehead, wanting to show my affection without scaring her away too much. Emily, still, turned her whole head to the side now.

"Naomi, stop." – or at least that's what I thought she was saying – "I can't."

I decided to ignore her right away. I cupped her face with both my hands now and turned her head back into my direction carefully. It took a while, but eventually my girlfriend opened her beautiful eyes. For the first time since she awoke, she _really_ looked at me, the hurt so very present, the wounds still bleeding.

And it confirmed everything.

"Sadly, it's the very reason I always end up hurting you …", I said.

Emily tore at my heart when her chocolate brown eyes disappeared behind her squinted eyelids again. Her small lips formed a long line as she desperately tried to keep the pain in, but ultimately, she let out a muffled cry. She still allowed me to cradle her face, though. And I was so very glad that she didn't try to get away from my touch, that my own tears increased and some finally fell from my face.

"Please stop.", she said again, "I'm begging you …"

I immediately shock my head lightly. I had no intention to grant her request. I had to continue.

She needed to know what I was already sure of. She needed to know, that she hadn't failed me and that she had done the right thing.

I needed to return the hope that I had ripped off of her.

"It's kind of ironic, because … hurting you is like putting a knife to my own throat– I never want to do it! Please believe that. Still … it's like I have to hurt you first, before you make me see– _really_ see! Before I realize, that I've been a _twat_ – again – and that you've been right all along."

A glimpse lit up in her eyes that very moment. I saw a small amount of hope, but also scepticism. Not that I could blame her for that. "Are you … are you saying … ", she tried to ask, but stopped several times, quite literally chocking on her words. I simply nodded.

"When they brought you here after they took care of you and I saw your face. Your beautiful but pale and exhausted face …" – I swallowed heavily – "Em, I felt your pain. I felt every single streak of pain that was coursing through your body … and mind."

I stopped as I suddenly started to laugh a little. It's what I always did when I felt uncomfortable with talking about my feelings. I knew that Emily wouldn't take my laughter the bad way – she knew what it was about – but I still felt stupid for reacting like that, when we were in the middle of a serious talk. I bit my lower lip forcefully and resumed talking before I would loose my courage to do so.

"This is going to sound fucking cheesy but the truth is: I felt like we're connected. Like _really_ connected, with some invisible thread or bond. Dom had talked some sense into me before, but I believe that seeing you then was the very moment I finally understood what you tried to tell me all along. That you feel it, too. And that I can't save you the way I thought I could." – I let out a heavy sigh, my voice trembling when I said my next words – "Without realizing it … I was back to pushing you away– I'm sorry!"

Emily tried her best to live up to her role as the superior one – the one, who had been right for all this time and should now say something like "Ha! I told you!" – but she failed: Her quite obvious relief expressed itself with fresh tears. _And why?_, I thought angrily, _Because she's still hurting from what I did to her, _despite_ the relief of me not being _that_ dense at all._

_"_I'm really sorry for trying to drown you within my misery, Emily.", I concluded my explanation, all the while said girl clung to me like I would vanish in the next second, if she didn't.

She had done this before – it was the perfect chance for making another important point.

"I was right about one thing though …", I whispered into her ear, fading the sentence off, because I had a feeling she already knew what I was on about. As if on cue her hug intensified, almost to the point where I couldn't breath properly anymore. "Emily.", I demanded.

"I can't lose you …"

Her mumble was so soft-voiced and incomprehensible that it almost got lost in the noise of her violent sobs. As close as I held her to my body, I could feel exactly just how sloppy her heart kept throbbing against her ribcage. I also heard it in her voice that was slightly huskier than usual; My poor little angel was exhausted as hell – emotionally as well as physically.

"Yeah.", I agreed sadly, "That's exactly what I mean. Ems, you fear to lose me … when you have absolutely no reason to."

I must've shocked her with this, because suddenly she used her hands to try and push me away from her. "How can you say that?!", she growled at me, her voice reminding me of an intimidated and injured wolf trying to break free from a human's trap by threatening the hunter, "How _dare you_ say that I'm having no reason for my feelings!"

A hand connected painfully with my chest when she tried to break free from me, but I didn't back down, avoiding the ache in my sternum. We sure as hell had a connection, but I figured I still needed to learn and express myself more clearly in situations like this. It would definitely spare me a lot of struggle.

With one swift move I caught both her wrists and held them tightly. Emily tried to use her legs now, but I stopped her successfully with begging to her to just listen to me. She quit struggling but lowered her head and looked at me with such teary eyes that I wanted to buy her a matching puppy.

"You don't need to worry about losing me, because really. Even if something still goes wrong. You'll never lose me, Ems. And you wanna know why? Because of this."

I let go of her wrists and placed my right hand just above her heart, feeling the strong muscle beating excitedly as I did so.

"I gave you a piece of my heart when I was twelve. It's what brought you back to me, and me back to you. It's the reason why I could never really resist you. And you know what's the best part about it?"

She slowly shook her head no, so I continued: "You gave me a piece of _your_ heart in return."

Emily burst into a new set of tears – the most fierce I had ever seen in my entire life. It was amazing how many liters of tears she had already cried. I still hated to see her like this, but despite my discomfort because of the fact that she was crying because of me, I knew, deep down, that she was now crying tears of happiness. I could feel it in the way that she snuggled her body into mine, in the way her hands held mine tightly and in the way her tears didn't feel like daggers to my skin anymore.

She was finally recovering.

And knowing that I had successfully brought the life back into Emily, sent so much love through my veins, that I myself felt fucking invincible for quite an amount of time. It made me smile broadly, especially when Emily eventually stopped crying, gave my hand a light squeeze and then kissed me on the forehead. It was a small but lingering kiss that filled my whole body with new warmth and hugged my heart tightly. I felt the relieve she was projecting into the gesture and therefore resumed stroking her cheeks again.

She looked me in the eye and smiled – really smiled. My heart bloomed.

"That was quite soppy, Naoms.", she said, her voice very hoarse.

"You seem to inspire it in me.", I answered – and got slapped for that on my upper arm lightly.

"Oh, fuck off!"

I smiled, staring at her small lips. "That's the spirit …", I whispered before I stopped to resist my urges and leant in to kiss her.

Quite passionate at first, our kiss soon settled into a slow but constant pace. It became so much as a captivating ballet dance. I heard orchestral music – a violin and a piano – within my head and felt like my body was swaying to said music.

Eventually, things around my senses became blurrier by the second. However, the happiness and the feeling of being invincible never left my body; Emily and I were finally reunited. And there was fucking _nothing_ in the world that we couldn't beat when we were together.

_We're Naomi and Emily. And nothing else matters._, I thought and smiled.

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**Author's note:**

**Did you enjoy reading? Please tell me what you think about this chapter by reviewing :)**

**(As I said before: I'll try to update soon.)**


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